The Complete Guide to Picking Up Chicks While Camping

Men who possess “game”–or the fine art of picking up women–might be tempted to believe they don’t need the following guide. But unless your day-to-day life resembles a weekend in the woods, chances are your “camping game” is sorely lacking. It’s a jungle out there, fellas, and you need all the help you can get.

The first rule is to look like you’re giving 110%. You’re not on a frou-frou trip in an RV here, buddy. You’re doing the kind of hardcore outdoor adventure that signals how much testosterone is coursing through your system. Instead of sitting around sipping your coffee in a lawn chair with crossed legs and extended pinky, grab a handful of dirt and start smearing. A little on your face, your shirt, your knees and forearms–really make it look like you dug trenches or planted a redwood all by your manly self. And forget about the smell because chicks dig that, too. Don’t be surprised if members of the female kind run straight into your brawny, dirty arms.

What Buttons?
To truly sell the rough and rugged look, you need to bare some skin. Wear a button-down shirt, preferably of the denim variety, and close that thing up to your solar plexus. Anything higher fails to spotlight your chest. If you’re 100% committed to this, then just leave it unbuttoned altogether. This will help the girls more effectively embrace you as they enjoin their lips to yours while you’re being introduced.

Put Water to Good Use
“Dry” doesn’t spell “manly,” does it? (Nope, you’re short four letters.) Then why are you macking on the ladies without glistening? If there’s anything women love more than a muddy, shirtless man, it’s one who’s covered in perspiration. Fake sweat can work just as well, so double down on the water and splash the wet stuff across your bod. Shake it into your hair, splash it on your face, and dump it down your chest and rock-hard abs. Your obituary will read, “Camper Dead Under Stampede of Women.” To get that truly stinky sweat, just start a 10-minute wrestling session with one of your buddies.

Contrary to popular thought, packs weren’t invented to help you carry your stuff but to help you enlarge your presence and give off the illusion of being an alpha male. Be careful, though: the first girl you come across is likely to swoon, forcing you to carry her back to camp. If you don’t own a pack or are too cheap to buy one, then consider carting other equipment around the campgrounds. Nothing seems to work better in this regard than an axe. Whether you choke up on the handle or sling that bad boy over your shoulder as you casually strut to and fro, the reek of manliness will be overpowering.

Did you construct your tent out of fallen tree branches and harvested underbrush? Do you start your nightly campfires with nothing but your bare hands, a stick, and a dead bird? Can you hypnotize dangerous woodland animals with nothing but a fierce stare and the whistle version of “Mony Mony?” Then by all means make sure to bring it up in casual conversation. Women don’t want to see these things for themselves, they want you to brag about them. To make sure they don’t forget, always bring it up an hour or so later with a sly, “Hey, did I tell you how I made my tent?” Then give a little wiggle of the eyebrows.

It’s a scientific fact that ladies love the chocolate. It’s their catnip, if catnip was made in Hershey, Pennsylvania, and sold in checkout lines. So if one of your fellow campers is a woman or looks like one, wait until nightfall and make her the greatest camping concoction ever created. Give her an extra helping of the sweet stuff while you’re at it. This will help you get to her heart by way of her gut. And when you hand it to her, say something like, “You’re so skinny, you should have this s’more.” Make sure your hands are still dirty and sweaty when you do.

Image credit: Galina Barskaya, MAXFX & Rick McCharles