How to Flirt at the Crag: A is for Approach

Imagine this scenario: you’re walking down the trail at Smith Rock, searching for a wall with enough 5.13s to get you moderately warmed up. You and your climbing partner come around a bend and suddenly, without warning, there she is: the woman of your dreams, her muscle-carved shoulders flexing as she flakes out a rope. The quickdraws and cams around her waste glimmer and flash in the sun, and for a moment you feel peace overtake you. If only you could stand here and watch her all day.

Then, very quickly, that sense of peace is replaced by a wave of nausea. Your mouth becomes cottony. Your first instinct is to run away.  You’ve heard that the great outdoors is an ideal place to find love, but so far it hasn’t worked out for you. She’s probably too beautiful for you anyway. Way out of your league. And that Sharma look alike she’s climbing with is obviously her boyfriend. The best idea is just to retreat, right?

Wrong! Climbing love is some of the hottest love out there, and too many opportunities have been wasted because of boys who throw in the towel before the game has even started!  The next time you stumble upon a savvy, ripped, Prana-clad rockstar who knows her way around a piece of Limestone,  all you have to remember is this: don’t run, ACT!  Approach, Connect, Take off! In this article, the first of a series of three, we will be learning the main points of the first- and most arguably important- step: Approach.

Appearance
A few of the nuts and bolts (pun intended!)  covered in Approach are things you should really be thinking about before a situation arises. When it comes to romance, always be prepared should be your Modus Operandi. To begin with, it is strongly advised that you dedicate at least a modicum of attention to personal appearance.  An old t-shirt and a pair of Carhartts is perfectly acceptable, however let’s keep the tears and grease stains in check. (This means you must own more than one pair or pants.) No spandex, no neon, and no sleeveless tops. Your goal here is simply to appear within the safe, friendly confines of “normal”. Nothing that screams: ‘I live in a van.’ Facial hair is your prerogative, but please, make sure that beard has no bits of anything in it. Got that? No. Bits.

Acquire Dog
The easiest, most effective, and certainly the cutest way to approach a girl is as easy as D-O-G. Nothing says ‘I am definitively not a creep’ like traveling with a happy, healthy pup.  Make sure the dog is very friendly with an inexhaustible appetite for human affection. Considering dressing him or her in a jaunty red bandanna; anyone who does this is going to appear approachable, amiable, and fun. (Women will also assume you will be a good parent, which may be getting ahead of ourselves, but it can’t hurt.) A dog is a natural ice breaker, a conversation piece, and a good consolation prize if you end up sleeping alone.

Assume Not & Assess
On to the  third point: do not assume that the girl’s climbing partner is her life partner. This mistake is made far too many times, often leaving both parties disappointed. Remember: Assume means no Ass for U or Me. The presence of a male counterpart is not a justifiable reason to retreat.  Go ahead and put yourself in position by setting up a rope  ahead on the adjacent climb.  As you gear up, perform an initial assessment of the scene.  It will become apparent very quickly if boy and girl are attached by more ways than just rope. Warning signs include prolonged hugs, physical, non-medical contact on face or hair, unnecessary adjustments of the others harness area, and feeding one another bites of sandwich.

Assess The Situation
If the situation remains a grey area, don’t worry.  After you’ve struck up a conversation (see article two: C is for Connection) it’s completely appropriate to simply ask.  As always, take a casual, non-threatening approach: “That’s great you two got out climbing, how long have you been together?”  While such a direct approach may feel uncomfortable to you, it is the easiest way to obtain accurate information. If it turns out they are a duo, move along as soon as you wrap up your climb.  There could be another stunner just waiting for you further down the trail.

You now know the basics of establishing A: Approach. You are on your first step towards wilderness romance.  Now that you’ve established yourself in proximity, caught her attention with your playful canine and ascertained that she is in no way ‘claimed’ by her climbing partner. You’re ready for the next step, C: Connection.

Take away points from Approach: Appear normal. Acquire a dog. Assume nothing. Assess the scene.