How To Handle a Yuppie in the Woods
Yuppies. Can’t live with them, can’t fit more than two in your trunk. That is, if you can strike at them first. Yuppies possess the element of surprise, popping up at random locations and times of the day. No place is this more true than in the outdoors. If you spot a Yuppie in the woods, chances are it’s already too late.
Unless you follow the tips below, of course. These will get you out of a pinch without accidentally networking with such foul spawns of the netherworld.
Stay Calm
While projecting an air of cool, Yuppies are the most tightly-wound creature you’ll find in nature. If you freak out in front of them, they’re likely to whip out their iPhones and start sending memos to their entire contacts list. Those innocent people’s overtime will be on your head! Instead, stroll by casually with your head held low as a way to subtly acknowledge that they’re better than you in every way. Otherwise, they may eat you.
Speak Business-ese
This disarms Yuppies, making them think they’re with one of their own. Be careful, though: They may start spewing a bunch of business jargon back at you. Are you prepared to maneuver your way through some B.S. about sweat equity, leveraging expectations, or shifting your paradigms? If so, then sprinkle the jargon throughout your speech like cuss words in an Army barracks. One downside: Your proficient display of corporate buzzwords has the potential to make the yuppie so relaxed they’ll follow you around asking to participate in team-building exercises.
Make Fun of the Poor
Yuppies love to shame the poor. In fact, they love it so much they often canvass their city just to wag their fingers in the faces of homeless people they meet on the street. Use this to your advantage by openly mocking the poor, the destitute, and the vagabond in the event you meet a Yuppie in the middle of the outdoors. They’ll start laughing so hard can make a run for it. Be fast or they are apt to tackle you and make you listen to their jokes about lower-middle class families.
Bring Extra Gadgets
Do you own the latest cell phone, tablet, or other trendy gadget? If you’re planning on venturing into the woods anytime soon, make sure to buy double of whatever popular electronics you already own. Not only are Yuppies incredibly envious by nature, but they will work you over just to get their hands on whatever fashionable gizmo happens to be all the rage at the moment. Carrying an extra gadget on your person allows you to toss the item away from you should a Yuppie charge from the underbrush. As soon as they see the glint of newness on that iPad, they’ll divert their course just to get it. Make haste to your automobile forthwith!
Hold a Status Meeting
Yuppies love a good status meeting. It’s like crack to their systems. Stop them dead in their tracks by requesting to sit down for two hours to discuss how you’ll sit down again in four hours to discuss your progress. Designate a spot to meet somewhere in the woods at the appropriate time, making sure to review the “actionable” points before you go “offline.” This will help you “synergize” better for the real meeting, the one from which you will be absent because you’ve already made it safely back home away from Yuppie danger.
Intimidation Is Key
Deal with Yuppies like you would a mountain lion: Make yourself–and your income–look bigger than it really is. Tell them your bank account has more zeros than theirs. To add an air of authenticity to your ruse (assuming you’re not really filthy rich), stuff your wallet or purse with $100 worth of $1 bills. Even from a few feet in front of you the Yuppies won’t have a clue that it’s not a gigantic wad in excess of thousands of dollars. Tell that corporate tool if they want to see another valuation in their stock they better run far, far away from you or you’ll make it rain Benjamins. They’ll go screaming into the hills.
Make a Latte
The more pretentious, the better. You will temporarily pacify them so you can either back away quietly or go in for the kill. Which, not coincidentally, is a hunting knife through the iPhone.
Image credit: Daquella manera, compujeramey, & idogcow
